N.S.’s Story – Names have been changed to respect confidentiality
“Doesn’t being married mean its okay to get pregnant? Apparently not, as I learned back in 1986 when I was married to my first husband. We were in our early 20”s, starting a business that consumed all our time, scraping by living off of Cheerios and cans of chili 1 1/2 years into our marriage. We had relocated down to Texas from Nevada living in a rental house down in San Antonio when I began to suspect something was “off” given the way I was feeling. My mother in-law happened to be visiting that week which was both a comfort and a stressor when I felt the compelling need to go buy a pregnancy test as I began to think through when I had my last period. At the time, we were sitting down to lunch prior to taking her to the airport for her flight back home and the blood began to rush through my veins, my face was flushed and my palms became clammy as I realized for the first time, “Oh my gosh, could I be pregnant?”! I went into the bathroom of the restaurant we where we were and she happened to come in right after me. The fear was so overwhelming of the possibility of being pregnant I just blurted it out to her as we were washing our hands side by side. Why was my first feeling one of fear? Shouldn’t it be amazement, joy and utter excitement? I felt none of those things. My feelings of fear, uncertainty and complete insecurity to take another breath consumed my thoughts. Those were only confirmed after her response was, “You know you can’t put *Daniel through that! He’s trying to start a business and he’s certainly not equipped to buy new shoes for a baby at this point!” WOW! Really? A business apparently was way more important than a baby, a life, which God and WE created! This was not me trying to ruin his business plan! I was speechless but felt the need not to disappoint her or him. It was to be “our secret” between the 3 of us. We were all believers but clearly didn’t feel Jesus was big enough to handle this unplanned precious life. She was not going to share with my father in-law who was a pastor of a church in Nevada nor her 2 daughters or other son. I was way closer to my in-laws than my own family who lived all over the country. I did not want to upset the one dream that finally had come true which was to have a” real” family where parents stayed together, siblings supported and hung out with each other and life seemed secure and “normal”. I was determined to keep my sense of living among the “Walton’s” intact! When I shared this with *Daniel, he agreed with his mom. He was first so taken aback by the reality that he drove out of our driveway speechless. Watching that and feeling so alone in this only confirmed to me I couldn’t have this baby. At the time, I was 8 weeks along. Needless to say, I felt very confused, scared and worried what God would think so I didn’t even go to him. I felt coerced and manipulated into believing abortion was the only answer. I didn’t want to be pregnant but I certainly didn’t want to have an abortion. The night before my abortion appointment I couldn’t sleep. I felt anxious, nauseous and light headed to the point I passed out in the bathroom, hit my head and split my lip open as it fell on the cracked plastic of the bathroom scale. I felt and looked like I had been beaten and run over by a train. It all added to the dark emotions I was feeling about what awaited me the next morning. I remember signing the medical release forms in the Planned Parenthood office & looking around to see all these emotionally confused and upset women of which I was clearly one. I felt so anxious waiting for my name to be called. When I laid on the table waiting for the Dr. to come in, I remember looking up and seeing a water color painting of 4 cows in a quadrant of barbwire fence. Each one was stuck and couldn’t get through the barbwire to freedom. I remember identifying so well with each of them. I, like them didn’t want to be where I was but didn’t know how to escape. Next I remember nervously talking with the Dr. as he was suctioning out my baby. I remember a big waste basket with bloody tissues, the sound of the vacuum and then severe cramping. I didn’t feel relieved, only sad, confused and lost. Daniel and I never did really talk much about it afterwards. However, I did end up getting a fever the next day and ended up in surgery with 2 large cysts the size of limes on each fallopian tube. The same Dr. from Planned Parenthood ended up doing the surgery at the hospital for no charge as he was willing to trade out services with our auto detailing business. He and his wife continued to be a client of ours for years later but the abortion was never mentioned again. Many years later, divorced from that husband and married again, I went into see a lady from the west side that did deep healing prayer who was visiting our church. She had met with my husband and I several times regarding healing from addictions and so this one morning when I went alone, that is once again what I thought we would discuss. But then……. Jesus showed up and the Holy Spirit completely changed my whole agenda! There was an intercessory prayer lady along with the gal who did the deep healing prayer and they witnessed my shock when they asked me “What does Jesus want to show you today?” As my eyes were closed, He brought me right back to the abortion table and walked me through it moment by moment. He revealed it was a little baby boy, gave me the name “Rema” (Remo) which means Shekinah glory like that shown to John the Baptist. (John 14:9) I held this little boy in my arms in my mind and when I felt ready to let go, I handed him to Jesus who promised me I would see him in heaven. He let me know I was forgiven, loved and set free from this dark, chain that had been bound around me for so many years. I hadn’t even known how bound and shackled I was from my abortion until that very day. I am so thankful for His amazing grace and the dream I hold to someday reunite and meet that little boy I never knew. Thank you Lord for seeing in me what I could not recognize and was too blind to see! NS *Daniel is used in place of my baby’s father’s real name. May he too have found healing from this through the blood and redemptive work on the cross.” – N.S.